Най-лошите и абсурдни ревюта на албуми, които сте чели Опции

[abydos]

Това би трябвало да е интересна тема, ако се развие и има потенциал да е доста забавна .
Споделете най-лошите ревюта, на които сте попадали. Обикновено най-забавни са такива за албуми, които са доказали влиянието и качеството си през годините. Ще започна аз с ревю на един от най-любимите ми албуми Terria на канадския музикален психопат Devin Townsend.
Предлагам на пост да не се пускат по повече от 2 ревюта, за да не се затлачи темата. Нека и покоментираме и да се посмеем на тези ревюта и хората, които са ги писали . По възможност дайте и линк към ревюто.

This music describes the best what is a monolithic electric guitar! I have never heard a more monolithic electric rhythmic guitar than on this record: that's completely ridiculous! This brutal guitar is so distorted and polluted with tons of useless effects that it takes all the available room! As if it was not enough, the musician seems to take a huge pleasure to exaggeratedly sustain each note, a painful torment for the ears! The rhythmic guitar is COMPLETELY unmelodious. The lead vocals are just simply too angry and aggressive for me. When the lead vocals are more mellow, they amazingly remind me David Gilmour and James LaBrie. There are some good acoustic guitar parts. There are some unconvincing TV or radio sounds, a much worse copy of Roger Waters' effects: they seem too coarsely produced. You can hear some whales-like sounds. There are some rare good passages, so that, globally, this record is not worth a complete listen. The only track that retained more my attention is "Deep peace", starting with an imitation of David Gilmour's voice; an Oldfield-esque guitar solo then begins, followed by an Hillage-esque one, featuring his spacy ambience from the "Green" album; then, it changes to a VERY modest & much slower attempt to emulate the symphonic Yngwie Malmsteen himself. This VERY rebel music is probably perfect for the young people who like disturbing moods.

Rating: 1.5 star

Source: http://www.progarchives.com/Review.asp?id=61487

За много години!

[Aggressive Perfe...]

Архивите предлагат някои мега-тъпи ревюта...

S.O.D. - Speak English or Die

What a silly little album - 56%
Written by UltraBoris on August 8th, 2002

Yes, it may have been a thrash revolution when it came out, but this album is fraught with underdeveloped songs and riff ideas that really go nowhere. There are just far too many good riffs here to call this a total waste, but so many of the songs are over way too fast before they are properly developed. 11 songs out of 22 are between 1.30 and 2.33 long, which pretty much means that you have three main riffs: an intro, an under-verse, and a New York style contrast break riff. Which is nice, but if you put two of these songs together, you'd actually get somewhere (where somewhere = Nuclear Assault's "Game Over" album, to be more exact).

The remaining 11 songs are practically complete throwaways: "Diamonds and Rust extended version", "Hey Gordy", etc etc. The exceptions are "Chromatic Death" which is a nice instrumental, and "Fuck the Middle East", which is 24 seconds long, and is pretty much two verses and out.

Again, the riffs are there, but everything is so completely disjoint that it's hard for this album to really find a rhythm. Which is a shame, since a lot of these songs are catchy as fuck, and would've made awesome 3 minute thrash anthems (see again, the "Game Over" album - I'm not just saying that arbitrarily, the Dan Lilker influence is heavy on both).

Sepultura - Arise

They were running out of riffs - 74%
Written by UltraBoris on August 3rd, 2002

This album is very interesting in that it does not suck, but if you compare it with its predecessor (Beneath the Remains), you can pretty much extrapolate that the next one is going to suck (Chaos AD).

This is the third of Sepultura's three great thrash albums in a row, starting with Schizophrenia. It is not as frantic as the two that preceded it, and the songs are not quite as fast, and have more of a groove to them. That said, each song still has 5 to 10 memorable riffs (just not 15-20 riffs like Beneath the Remains, or 41 riffs like "From the Past Comes the Storms" on Schizophrenia). Yes, the two albums before this one are better, but that doesn't mean this one is worth ignoring. If you like thrash, you will like this album.

The best songs on here are the title track, "Dead Embryonic Cells" which has a very nice New-York-thrash styled main riff (single note, midpaced, "mosh riff"), and also the last track, Infected Voice, which is quite a nice closer, and is probably the most brutal on here. In conclusion, this is Sepultura's last album worth getting.

I’d Rather Listen to a Pantera Clone... - 35%
Written by MushroomStamp on December 10th, 2007

This is the Toto of thrash/death metal – technically proficient musicians playing a tame, half-finished clone of what they try to aim at. Gone is the fury of past albums, replaced with a by-the-textbook collection of songs. The quality and quantity of riffs and drum hooks has experienced a severe drop since 1987, and with Max Cavalera’s vocals remaining as one-dimensional as always before, there is nothing at hand that could save this album from being a monotonous celebration of boredom.

What of the riffs, the basis of any thrashy album…? Combine a dry guitar tone, masses of unimaginative palm muting and an astounding lack of tonal variety, and the end result is the rhythm guitar that is found on Arise. It is as if there are only four riffs on the album, recycled ad infinitum – the first is, of course, the palm muted E and its dear friend Random Power Chord, played at a moderately fast tempo; the second is the half-time feel version of the previous; the third is the fast ”Arise” variation; and the fourth is a merry feelgood riff (see 0:42 of Murder, for example).

Perhaps the band realized how dull its songs were turning out, so they decided to spice up things with a few lead guitar bits on top of the riffing. Sepultura were never masters of melody, but on Arise, they insist on trying it anyway – enter guitar ditties that hover above the songs without a lasting effect. Together with the inane rhythm guitar work that plagues the album, these leads form a marriage that is a Lutheran Protestant’s dream – devoid of surprises, grey in colour, and something your grandmother wouldn’t be offended by.

The songs on Arise follow a predictable pattern: there is a constant fluttering between faster sections and parts in half-time feel. This is, along with the lack of true headbanger riffs, one of the most crucial elements to contribute to the mediocrity of this album. These are not good breakdowns that release energy of past riffs; these are random slow-downs. Whenever a decent thrash riff begins (often the first riff of a song), its feet of clay are shot from under it within seconds by the fearsome giant called Boring and Useless Midtempo Section. In addition, the connections between these different parts are often all too vague – or nonexistent – further underlining how terribly lazy the songwriting is.

The only song that manages to build some momentum by not fucking around completely aimlessly is Desperate Cry, although even that number does not bear too many listens a month. The title track and the last offering Infected Voice are decent thrash numbers structure-wise, but they suffer from the mediocre riffing of Max and Andreas. As for the rest: Jesus Christ, I would rather listen to a random Pantera clone.

Това ме смаза.

Sepultura - Chaos A.D.

Pretty much worthless - 21%
Written by Mungo on May 29th, 2007

After putting out four albums which were the perfect blend of death and thrash metal with shitloads of riffs, Sepultura seemed to have run out of ideas. They couldn’t come up with any new thrash riffs that were actually good, and the aggression they previously held was slipping away. They wanted to continue however, and so they released the steaming dung heap that would be known as Chaos AD.

See, the boys in Sepultura, having previously written songs with at least six riffs a song played at breakneck speed, weren’t sure how to write another album considering their lack of solid riffs. So they picked some thrash riffs out at random, slowed them down and downtuned to make up for the lack of heaviness. This way they could have an excuse for playing slow to midpaced with a single riff per song, and to the people who said it wasn’t thrash, they could counter them by saying it had a ‘more crushing sound’. They weren’t really that angry as before, but they needed something to make it sound more metal, so they threw in some unintelligent lyrics focused around anti authority. Sure, they weren’t exactly geniuses at writing lyrics on the previous albums, but at least those ones suited the type of music they used to play. Max Cavalera’s voice was starting to go to shit but he couldn’t sing, so instead of doing death-ish screams/growls, he opted for an idiotic sounding shout which was supposed to sound extreme and pissed off, but ended up sounding more annoying than anything else.

That’s really what the album sounds like. When you combine all the aforementioned elements you get a pretty good image in your head of what the content involves. The whole thing drags along in the same pattern, not really changing or evolving or speeding up, just content to stay at the same pace, with the same sounding ‘riffs’, with the same drawn out shouts. As one could expect, this starts to get old quickly. While it isn’t too bad listening to a song every now and then, trying to listen to the whole album is a chore, I myself only having done it once. It just stays the same, not managing to keep the listeners attention for more than five minutes or so. And just when a good riff comes along and manages to make the listener sit up, it is slaughtered by some stupid noises (Manifest), annoying vocals (Biotech is Godzilla) or something else of equal worthlessness. The album is 50 minutes long, but feels as if it should be 20, and the individual songs are too long at only 3 or 4 minutes.

This album is just pointless and worthless. When you consider who released it and the quality of their previous albums it feels as if it is a different band behind it. This isn’t even recommended for people who are heavily into groove metal, and the few highlights (Refuse/Resist and Slave New World) are barely even worth downloading. This is a failure in every sense of the word, and a completely worthless album.

This is a serious effort? - 21%
Written by UltraBoris on May 29th, 2004

This must be a complete joke, right? After Arise, which had plenty of groove but also plenty of riffs, they put out... this?? This doesn't even function well as punk rock, it's that sloppy and that careless and that seemingly done without regard to making music.

What this can be described as best is a vocal track over random instrumentation, where the two are entirely disjoint and appear to have been recorded in separate studios. Instrumentally, the whole damn thing sounds like one really long intro to a thrash album, with the slow riffs that come in and any minute now - really, any time now, come on folks, you expect this to blast out into some screaming riffage.

The closest thing that this comes to screaming riffage is the intro to Slave New World, which is a bit above midpaced, and for the most part sounds like a punk rock song... not quite thrash enough to be thrash, but at least it doesn't sound like someone is trying to pass a bowel movement.

The rest of the album... yep, it's pure defecation. Including Max's constipated vocals being mixed far too loud in the mix... these aren't death growls; these are random barks. And they are about 9dB too loud for anyone's good. All you hear is this megalomaniac asshole talking with his funny accent, like a badly designed Hitler making a badly designed speech.

DAS!

EST!

GUT!

The whole FUCKING album sounds like that. Believe me, it's funny for the first ten seconds or so (Chaos AD, tanks on the streets!) but then you start wondering if the whole thing ever turns into anything musical, ever.

Aside from the brief moments here and there, the answer is, no it does not ever turn into anything musical. The only digressions from the random Machine Head sounding half-Pantera riffs (does that make them quarter-thrash??) are silly instrumentals like Kaiowas - that little acoustic guitar bit sounds more Fleetwood Mac than anything else, except Fleetwood Mac didn't sound like a 33rpm LP stuck on repeat, ever. And I can still hear you saying, you - and I can still hear you saying, you - and I can still hear you saying... OH AND TURN THOSE FUCKING DRUMS DOWN.

Oh yeah, the cover of The Hunt? Everyone calls this a highlight... the only thing that's any good about it is that the vocals are turned down a bit, and it's a bit more catchy than the rest; but not nearly enough to make it any memorable.

Complete shit here from the cunts of Brasil. Again, I don't think this is a serious record. Like Bathory's "Octagon", they probably thought that people would - given the quality of the first four albums - buy anything with a 'Sepultura' tag on it.

Well, don't buy this shit. It's completely without value. Good grief, it's worse than the first Machine Head album. There's pretty much nothing catchy here - not the opening riff to Refuse-Resist, not anywhere else. Okay maybe the first few seconds of Manifest (before they get into the random stupidity), and about half of Slave New World, but come on, even Regurgitated Cow Fetus could come up with a minute and a half of thrash among forty-eight minutes of pure shit.

Хааааааааааахахахахахахахахаахахахаха!